The One Where Rachel (McKenzie) Quits
by NatalieO01
Summary: It's Christmas time, and Rachel is fed up with her waitress job. What's she to do when she quits thanks to some encouragement from Hoagie. Meanwhile, Nigel sells Brown Bird cookies in order to send a little girl whose leg he accidentally broke to space camp, and Kuki tries to help Christmas trees achieve their Christmas Destiny. Based off the Friends season three holiday episode.


**A/N: Hey, guys! Here's another holiday one-shot! This one is a parody of the Friends episode, "The One Where Rachel Quits", the season three Christmas episode. It has absolutely nothing to do with my other stories, just a fun fic for the holidays! They're in their early twenties in this one shot, and live in NYC!**

 **Here are the characters:**

 **Numbuh 1/Nigel- Ross**

 **Numbuh 2/Hoagie- Chandler**

 **Numbuh 3/Kuki- Phoebe**

 **Numbuh 4/ Wally- Joey**

 **Numbuh 5/ Abby- Monica**

 **Numbuh 362/ Rachel McKenzie- Rachel Green**

 **Hope you guys enjoy!**

* * *

One afternoon, Hoagie Gilligan and Rachel McKenzie sat at the local coffee house, Hoagie looking through a comic as Rachel looked over him.

"I don't get it," Hoagie said. "As old as he is in dog years, should Snoopy still be allowed to fly this thing?"

He showed Rachel the comic, as another waiter approached her.

"Um, Rachel?" He asked. Rachel perked up. "Do you remember how when you first started, another waitress showed you how to do everything?"

"Oh, yeah!" She said. "Do you need me to train someone?"

"Ha, good one." He replied. Rachel didn't laugh.

"No, actually Terry wants you to take the training again. Whenever." He then quickly walked away.

"Uh," Rachel said, sitting back down on the couch. "Do you believe that?" She asked Hoagie.

Hoagie gave her a fake offended look. "Uh...yeah?"

* * *

"And that's two boxes of the holiday macaroons." A little girl said to a man while giving him boxes if cookies. "And on behalf of the Brown Birds of America, we salute you."

She blew on a little whistle that made a bird sound, and walked away with her cookies.

Nigel and Hoagie then began to walk up a flight if stairs, arguing about tennis.

"Just admit it Hoagie, you have no back hand." Nigel said to him.

"Excuse, but I have a very solid back hand." Hoagie retorted.

"Putting your racket in front of your face and shrieking is not a backhand." Nigel said to him.

"I was not...shrieking." Hoagie said.

"Here, watch me execute the three P's of championship playing," Nigel said.

"Power," He whipped the racket

"Precision." He did it again.

"And panache."

When he whipped his hand this time, it sent the little girl flying down the stairs, screaming. Both men looked down at the poor girl.

* * *

"You broke a little girl's leg!" Abby yelled. Abby, Hoagie, Rachel, NigelKuki, and Wally were sitting in the coffee house while Nigel told them the story of his mistake.

"I know and I fell terrible about it." He told them. Rachel rubbed circles on his chest as he told them, looking down.

"Says a Muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night." Hoagie said while flipping through a newspaper. "Where were you around tenish?"

"Well, I'm going to go see her. What exactly do you think she'd like?" He asked them, ignoring Hoagie's snide comment.

"Maybe a Hello Kitty doll." Abby said. "The ability to walk."

Rachel and Kuki laughed at the comment, Nigel giving Rachel an annoyed look.

"Well," She said. "I'm going to get back to my training." She got off of the couch and walked away.

"Well, see you guys." Nigel said, getting up.

"Look out kids, he's coming!" Hoagie yelled as he left.

Wally then also got up, "And I've gotta go sell some Christmas trees."

"Have fun-" Kuki began. "Oh wait, I'm against that now!"

"Me having a job?" Wally asked.

"No, innocent trees being cut down in there prime and their corpses being dressed in tinsel and lights. How do yo sleep at night?" She said to him.

"Well, I'm pretty tired from lugging the trees around, so-" He stopped as Hoagie and Abby gave him looks.

"Hey, Kooks listen you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by making people happy." He said to her.

"Really?" Kuki asked Abby and Hoagie, intrigued. Wally motioned for them to follow along, so his girlfriend would not be pissed at him.

"Yeah," Hoagie said to her. "And most the trees are happy, too, because for most of them, it's their only chance to see New York."

As they talked about the tree's Christmas purpose, Rachel was being trained by her co-worker, Herbie.

"And after you delivered the drinks, you take the empty tray here-" He said to her before she cut him off.

"Herbie, Herbie, please, I've worked here for two years, I know the empty trays go there." She said to him as she pointed at a spot on the counter further away from where the mugs were.

"What if you put them, here?" Herbie asked her as he sat the tray on a stack of trays.

"Huh," Rachel said. "Well, y'know that's a really good idea, because that way, they'll be closer to the mugs. You should have the other waitresses do that!" She looked at him impressed. He gave her a dumbfounded look.

"They already do," He tried to explain. "That's why they call it the 'tray spot'."

Rachel looked embarrassed. "Oh, God, I always heard them talk about that and though it was some kind of club they went to!" She turned red and walked away, saying apologies as she left.

"That's okay," Herbie said, though she couldn't hear him. "Sweetheart."

* * *

Nigel was sitting inside the little girl's bedroom, admiring her decorations. She had lots of space poster, toys, and other things. The girl was clearly obsessed with space. She was laying down on her bed, her broken leg up on pillows, as Nigel spoke with her.

"So, this must be kind of near for you, huh?" Nigel said to her. "Your dad told me you get a couple of days off of school, and you don't have to sell those cookies anymore."

"Well," The girl said sadly. "I kinda wanted to sell those cookies. The girl who sells the most wins a trip to space camp, and gets to sit inside a real spaceship."

"Wow," Nigel said to her. "You must really like space, huh?"

"Yeah," She said to him. "My dad says if I spend as much time helping him clean apartments, as I do daydreaming about outer space, he'd be able to afford a trip to the Taj Mahal."

Nigel smiled at her. "I think you'd have to clean a lot of apartments to go all the way to India."

"No the one in Atlantic City." She said to him. Nigel raised an eyebrow. "Dad loves the slots. He says he's going to double the college money my grandma left me."

Nigel gave her a skeptical look. "Well, good luck to dad." He said sarcastically.

He looked down at the leftover boxes in a wheelbarrow. "Say, how many of these would you have to sell in order to win?" He asked her.

"The girl last year sold 475." She told him. "So far, I've sold 75." She looked down sadly.

"400? That sounds doable. How much are the boxes?" He asked her. He pulled out his wallet, prepared to pay for her to win.

"Five dollars a box." She said to him. He put away his wallet.

* * *

Nigel walked down an apartment building hallway, the boxes of cookies behind him. Since he couldn't pay for 400, he might as well try to sell them in order to send the poor girl to space camp. He stopped and knocked on a door, an old lady answering, yet not opening the door.

"Hi, I'm selling Brown Bird cookies." He said to the door.

"You're no Brown Bird." The old lady responded. "I can see you through my peephole."

"No," He said, getting closer to the peephole. "I'm an honorary Brown Bird." He blew on the whistle while doing a salute.

"What does that mean?" The lady asked.

"Well, I can sell cookies, but I'm not invited to sleepovers." He said, trying to sound charming as he flashed a smile.

"I can dial 9-1-1 at the touch of a button. Go away!" She demanded.

"No," He said, realizing that was a bad idea. "It's for a poor little girl who want to go to space camp more than anything in the world!"

"I'm pressing! A policeman is on his way!" She yelled at him through her door.

"Okay, I'm going!" Nigel yelled at the door. He then walked over to the door across from her's, but didn't knock when she yelled at him again.

"Alright!" He yelled at her door one more time before walking away.

* * *

Wally was selling Christmas trees at the lot, when he saw his girlfriend walk up to him. He immediately smiled and ran over to her, placing a quick kiss on her cold cheek.

"Hey," He said to her. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought about what you said." She told him. "And I realized I might have been a little judgemental." She looked sadly at the Christmas trees. "But-"

"Hey, Kooks," Wally said, grabbing her shoulders. "Remember, they're just fulfilling their Christmas.."

"Destiny." Kuki said to him.

"Yeah." He said.

"Okay." Kuki nodded. She smiled at him, but her smile turned to a frown as she saw an older, uglier tree being moved.

"Yikes! That one doesn't look very fulfilled." She said.

"Oh that's just one of the older ones." Wally said without a care. "He's just taking it to the back."

"You put the old ones in the back, that's so ageist!" She said to him, disgusted.

"Well, we have to make room for the fresh ones." Wally told her.

"What happens to the old guys?" Kuki asked him, her eyes wide.

"They get thrown in the chipper." Wally told her.

"Why doesn't that seem as happy as it sounds?" She asked him, wary over the trees.

The 'chipper' was then fired up behind them, Kuki turning around to see a dead tree being demolished inside. She began screaming as Wally turned her around and hugged her. He gave the men the cut it out look as he comforted his terrified girlfriend.

* * *

"..And these come in the shapes of your favorite Christmas characters." Nigel said to Abby, Hoagie, and Wally as they sat around at the coffee house. "There's Santa, Rudolph, and Baby Jesus."

"All right, I'll take a box of the creme filled Jesus's." Wally said to him. Nigel gave him an annoyed look.

"Wait a minute, one box! C'mon, I'm trying to send a little girl to space camp. I'm putting you down for five boxes." He said to Wally. "Hoagie, what about you?"

"Hmm, do you have any coconut flavored deities?" He asked him.

"No, but there's coconut in the Hanukkah Menoreos. I'll tell you what, I'll put you down for eight boxes, one for each night." He said to Hoagie.

On the other side of the coffee house, Rachel was being retrained by Herbie, which was annoying her. She became increasingly bored and humiliated as he showed her the basics of waitressing, which she already knew. Abby and Nigel had left, leaving Wally and Hoagie on the couch.

"And when you have a second later, I want to show you why we don't just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there." Herbie said to her. She rolled her eyes and walked away, sitting on the couch next to Hoagie and Wally.

"I'm training to be better at a job I hate, my life officially sucks." Rachel said to the two.

"Look, Rach, wasn't this supposed to be a temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do art stuff?" Wally asked her.

"Well, yeah. I'm still pursuing that!" She told them.

"How exactly are you pursuing that?" Hoagie asked her. "Other than sending out resumes like what, a year ago?"

"Well, I'm also sending out...good thought." She said.

"If you ask me, as long as you have this job, nothing's pushing you to get another one." Wally said. "You need the Fear."

"The Fear?" Rachel questioned.

"He's right for once in his life." Hoagie said. "If you quit this job, you then have the motivation to go after another a job you really want."

"Well the how come your still at a job you hate?" Rachel scoffed at him. "Why don't you quit and get the Fear?"

Wally and Hoagie jokingly laughed at her, before turning serious again.

"Because I'm too afraid." Hoagie said to her.

"I don't know." She told them. "I would give anything to work as an artist, or an art teacher. I have that goddamned degree for a reason. I just don't want to be 25 and still working here."

"Yeah, much better than being 24 and still working here." Hoagie told her.

"Rachel?" Herbie asked them, interrupting their conversation.

"Yeah?" She said, standing up.

"Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which pot is normal." He said to her. He began to walk away before she called him back.

"Can't I just look at the handles on them?" She asked.

"You'd think." He said to her.

She took a deep breath before answering.

"Y'know what, Herbie?" She said to him. "I'm a terrible waitress, do you know why I'm a terrible waitress? Because I don't care. I don't care what pot is decaf and what pot is normal. I don't care what the tray spot is, I just don't care. This is not what I want to do. So I don't think I should do it anymore."

She took another deep breath. "So I don't think I should do it anymore."

"What?" Herbie asked her.

"Herbie, I quit." She told him before walking away.

Hoagie immediately turned to Wally. "Does this mean we have to start paying for coffee?"

* * *

Hoagie and Nigel sat at Abby and Rachel's apartment, Nigel typing away on a calculator as Hoagie laughed at something.

"What?" He asked.

"I spelled Boobies." Hoagie giggled. Nigel rolled his eyes.

"So how many have you sold so far?" He asked Nigel.

"517 boxes!" He said to Hoagie.

"Oh my god, how did you do that?" He asked Nigel.

"The other night, I was leaving the museum as 'Laser Floyd' was letting out of the planetarium." He said. "And without even trying, I sold fifty boxes! That's when it hit me, the key to success, the munchies."

Hoagie nodded as Nigel explained.

"So, I started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies by the case. They call me 'Cookie Duude.'"

Rachel then ran I to the apartment, a box of papers in her hand.

"Okay, stop what you're doing, I need envelopes stuffers, stamp lickers..." She yelled at the two.

Nigel picked up a resume and examined it. "Hey, who did these resumes for you?"

"Me!" Hoagie said to him.

"You sure used large font." He commented.

"Well waitress and KND and TND Supreme leader only takes up so much room." He joked.

"Hey, that's funny!" Rachel said to him. "You're a funny guy, Hoagie. You know what else is funny?"

"Something else I might have said?" He asked, scared for the answer.

"I don't know, weren't you the guy who told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do. Ha, ha, ha!" She said to him angrily.

Nigel ran to her side. "Sweetie, calm down, it's going to be okay."

"No it's not going to be okay, Nigel." She said to him. "Tomorrow is my last day, and i don't have a lead. Okay, I'm just going to call Herbie and tell him I'm not quitting."

"But you don't want to give into the Fear!" Hoagie piped up.

"You and your stupid Fear!" She yelled at him. "I would like to take your fear and..."

Wally then entered, interrupting her tangent.

"Hey, guys, I got great news!" He said cheerfully.

"Run, Wally! Run for your life!" Hoagie yelled. He darted out of the room, hoping to escape Rachel's wrath.

"What?" He asked. "Never mind, Rachel, have you ever heard of Fortuna Designs?"

"No." She replied.

"Well, my Uncle is doing a plumbing job down there and he heard they have an opening. So you want me to see if I can get you an interview?" He asked her.

"Yes!" She exclaimed. "Oh, thank you, Wally, that is so sweet!"

"No problem." He said. "And now for the great news!"

"Wasn't that the great news?" Nigel asked.

"Only of you think it's better than this!" Wally held up a can. "Snow in a can!"

* * *

Wally was at work, trying to sell a tree to a man. He was just about to buy it when Kuki ran up, with an almost dead Christmas in her arms.

"Wait!" She yelled. "No, you don't want that one. You can have this cool brown one." She held the Christmas tree in front of him.

"It's almost dead!" The man exclaimed.

"But that's why you have to buy it!" She yelled at him. "So it can fulfill it's Christmas Destiny. Tell him about the chipper, Wally."

Wally gave him an apologetic look before explaining the chipper. "Yeah, trees that don't fulfill their Christmas Destinies get thrown in the chipper."

"I think I'm going to look around some more." The man said, hoping to get away from the hysterical woman.

"You have to stop doing that, babe." Wally said to Kuki. "I'm working on commission, here."

Abby then entered the tree lot and walked to Wally and Kuki.

"Hey guys, I'm here to pick out my Christmas tree!" She said to them.

"Well look no further, this one's yours!" Kuki said to Abby as she held out the brown and old tree.

Abby raised her eyebrow. "Is this the one I threw out last year?" She asked her.

"All right you know what, never mind!" She yelled at the two before stopping off. Wally shrugged, while Abby gave him a disapproving look.

* * *

Nigel was sitting in a room full of little girls dressed in their Brown Bird uniforms, his cookie orders in hand. He had tried making small talk with the girls, but they had ignored him for breaking their friend's leg. The leader finally came in, ready to take cookie orders.

"All right girls, and man." She gave Nigel a pointed look. "Let's see your final tallies."

The girls raised their forms in the air.

"Oh, Debbie!" The leader said to a girl, and took her form. "321 boxes, very nice!"

"Not nice enough." Nigel said to himself.

"Charla," The leader took another girl's form, one who had called Nigel 'a scrud'. "271. Sorry, dear, but still good!"

"Good enough for a scrud." He said to himself again

The leader then took another girl's form. "871!"

"That's crap!" Nigel yelled. Everyone turned to him. "Sister Brown Bird! Nice going!" He saluted the little girl.

"Who's next?" The leader asked. Nigel began to feverishly write down more on his form. The leader stepped in front of him, clearing her throat.

"Hi!" Nigel said.

"Hi." She said to him coldly. "And batting for Sara, Nigel Uno, 872. Although it seems you bought a lot of cookies yourself."

"Um..." Nigel coughed out. "That's because my doctor said on have a serious...nuget diffency."

* * *

Nigel, Kuki, and Hoagie were sitting at the coffee house, where Hoagie was teasing Nigel about the cookie sale.

"Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Nigie." He teased.

"Well, I lost." He said sadly. "Some little girl loaned her uniform to her 19 year old sister, who went down to the U.S.S Nimitz, and sold over 2,000 boxes."

Rachel then entered the coffee house, distraught and unhappy.

"Hey, how'd the interview go?" Hoagie asked her.

"I blew it!" She exclaimed. "I wouldn't have even hired me!"

"Hey, sweetie." Nigel said to her, putting his arm around her. "Listen, you're going to go on a thousand interviews before you get a job."

They glared at him. "That was not how that was supposed to come out."

"This is the worst Christmas ever." Kuki said sadly, leaning into the sofa.

"Y'know what, Rach?" Hoagie said. "Maybe you should just stay at the coffee house."

"I can't, it's too late!" She cried. "Terry already hired that girl over there."

She pointed to the new waitress, who was laughing with the other waitresses.

"She even has waitress experience!" She cried to them. "Last night she was teaching everyone how to make...napkin...swans!"

She cried into Nigel's shoulder as he rubbed her back.

"That word was swans." He said to his friends.

* * *

Nigel, Rachel, Hoagie, and Kuki walked up the steps to Rachel and Abby's apartment buildings, Hoagie trying to brighten the sad mood.

"Well seeing that drunk Santa piss his pants, really perked up my Christmas." He said to them.

Rachel then opened the apartment to find all the dead Christmas trees from Wally's job in the apartment. Kuki gasped as Abby and Wally popped up from behind the sofa.

"Merry Christmas, Kooks!" They yelled.

"You saved them!" Kuki gushed, running over to hug Wally. "You guys! You're the best!"

"It's like, Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees." Hoagie commented.

Rachel's phone then interrupted the festive joy from her pocket. She answered the call, she gushed at the speaker, crying with joy when she got off the phone.

"I got the job!" She squealed. Everyone congratulated her as she beamed.

"Oh, God bless us, everyone!" Kuki cried.

* * *

The friends were then gathered at the coffee house as Rachel worked her last shift as a waitress, serving Hoagie her last cup of coffee. The friends hummed the graduation theme as she gave it to him, and everyone applauded afterwords.

"Should I tell her I ordered tea?" Hoagie asked Nigel. He shook his head no.

"Um, excuse me everyone!" Rachel yelled to the occupants of the restaurant. "This is my last night working here, and I just wanted to say that I made some really good friends working here, and that it's just time to move on."

Herbie started to cry at the counter and ran to the back room, not ready to see his crush leave.

"And no offense, to anyone who still works here." She continued. "But you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment, I will never have to make coffee, again!"

* * *

"Now, Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, so you're going to have to use two bags instead of one." An old man said to Rachel at her new job.

Rachel looked dismayed as the man explained how to make coffee, something she had never wanted to do again.

"Now, pay attention, because this part's tricky!" He said to her. "Some people use filters just once."

Rachel rolled her eyes and sighed.

* * *

Nigel and Sara walked though the hallway to Wally and Hoagie's apartment, Sara still on crunches from her accident. They stopped at their door, Nigel getting ready to open it.

"I'm sorry you didn't get to go to space camp, and I'm hoping this will make it up." He opened the door, letting Sara in. "Presenting Sara Tuttle's Very Own Special Space Camp!"

Wally and Hoagie jumped up from the chair they were behind, which was covered in tinfoil. Their while apartment was decorated with Space decorations. Nigel led her in as they set everything up.

"Really , you don't have to do this." She said as he led her in."

"Oh, c'mon!" He said. He picked her up and sat her down in the chair. "Stand by for mission countdown!"

"Ten...Ten...ten..." Wally echoed. "Nine...Nine...Nine...eight..." Hoagie hit him on the back of the head before he could continue. "Okay, blast off!"

They began to shake the chair like it was flying into outer space, as Nigel picked up a soccer ball and spinning it like it was a satellite. Hoagie began running around the chair, saying in a squeaky voice,

"I'm an alien, I'm an alien!"

"Oh, no an asteroid!" Nigel yelled, throwing the soccer ball at Wally.

Sara giggled in the chair, clearly enjoying her own special space camp.

"Couldn't have Nigel just taken her into Space himself?" Hoagie asked Wally in a low whisper. Wally shrugged and continued to shake the chair. Hoagie shrugged and started acting like an alien again.

 **A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed!**

 **Also, there's a poll on my profile page, please go vote on it if you've read The Adventures of Eight Teenage Idiots in Time!**

 **Constructive Criticism is very welcomed!**

 **Please Review!**

 **Happy Holidays- Nat**


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